Critic's Grade: C-

Frank's film tip: Marcus Nispel's updated version of Tobe Hooper's 1974 blood-splattering horror classic THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE isn't worth going into pieces over unless you invite Leatherface over for dinner--with you being the main course!

The only scary concept behind director Marcus Nispel's remake of the cult classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the blatant audacity to try and recreate the macabre magic that was so instrumental in the disturbing 1974 original. Sure, the natural tendency is to measure up the current edition with that of the nearly thirty-year old inspiration from yesteryear. There have been three major forgettable remakes of Chainsaw throughout the years not to mention the many contemporary carbon copy rip-offs that tried to capitalize on the graphic impact of Tobe Hooper's horrific slaughterhouse gem. Yet in all the feeble attempts of trying to revive the glorious gore that made Hooper's horror hair-raiser a resounding guilty pleasure, no filmmaker has been competent enough to rise to the occasion and duplicate the numbing nonsense that had made masochistic audiences giddy with perverse delight.

Granted that Nispel's take on TTCM won't make anyone forget the nostalgic bloody vehicle that Hooper helped carve into the delicate psyches of mid-seventies mayhem-ridden moviegoers looking for a twisted good time of guts and gumption. However, one cannot deny how stylish and glossy Nispel's nerve-racking narrative is in its preppy presentation. Overall, this is an impressive looking production for a millennium-made horror flick and the protagonists are even too pretty to become mincemeat for the Leatherface lunatic.

This is a good-looking screamfest that aesthetically thrives but the viciousness of the vibes is arbitrarily misplaced. One would love to enjoy the exploitative creepy aspects of Nispel's raucous remake but the inexplicable glamour to this tidy gross-out session overtakes the grisly overtones meant to cater to the audience's suspenseful sick-minded tendencies. The exhilaration of these pumped-up proceedings desperately tries to capture the off-balance sensation of blood-thirsty thrill-seekers but Nispel's grotesque spectacle is too smooth and modernized for us to revel in its pseudo-warped conventions. Hence, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre barely cuts through a stick of margarine without harping on the same old slasher genre-related cliches that continuously bombard our fragile sensibilities.

For those that recall Hooper's skin-crawling premise in the first blueprint of TTCSM folklore, the movie focused upon five wandering teens traipsing through rural Texas who end up being seized by unstable backwoods yahoos. Unfortunately for the youthful travelers, they end up getting slaughtered by these Lone Star State loony birds. For the most part, Nispel mingles around with his remade version and tries to instill a calculating combination of fresh and familiar flourishes that Chainsaw fanatics will find somewhat invigorating.

The story, much like the original installment, is set in the early 1970s where three studs (Eric Balfour, Mike Vogel and Jonathan Tucker) and two babes (Jessica Biel from the WB-TV's family drama 7th Heaven and Erica Leerhsen) are aimlessly driving through the wooded territory of Texas. The gang is on their way to attending a Lynyrd Skynyrd rock concert. Erin (Biel) and her driver/boyfriend Kemper (Balfour) are a cozy couple while Andy (Vogel) and Pepper (Leerhsen) represent the other romantic tag team. Poor Morgan (Tucker) is the third wheel in a van of makeout partners. Anyway, the group decide to foolishly pick up a hitchhiker and lets this odd stranger talk them into visiting an off-kilter Texas community where cannibalism is the sport of choice much like soccer is to countless countries around the globe.

The suspicious surroundings beg for an immediate reason to bail out and escape the pending danger. But the clueless kids remain part of this dastardly district for whatever darn curiosity that we will never comprehend. Oh, and was it mentioned that this daunting area's most noteworthy resident is the menacing cad known as Leatherface? (Andrew Bryniarski) So what's his turn-ons you ask? Well, good ole Leatherface loves to slice and dice visiting victims and wears their skin for crazy kicks. Hey ladies, he's not exactly the typical Mr. Right that your mother told you was an acceptable catch for marrying material, huh? And don't forget that the big L loves to apply his trademark chain saw by routinely cramming it through walls in hopes of striking gold with instant dismembered body limbs. Again, this is a deranged man after your own warm heart, right gals?

As one can imagine, the butter hits the hot pan when Leatherface euphorically goes bananas and starts hacking away at the dense dummies who were stupid enough to stay at this questionable place like it was some disoriented field trip to Disneyworld. With all the hysterical screaming and hasty running aside, one ceases to be amazed at the lunk-headed logic that is so pervasive in schlock-infested cinema such as TTCM. Perhaps this is an appealing trait for a rambunctiously banal bloodbath showcase that gives this sort of flippant entertainment its nutty edge. But still, one can also dismiss this tactic as a weak-kneed gimmick that has run its predictable course.

Yes, slasher flicks are solely for the purpose of drawing in folks toward the delusional side of their jumpy expectations. And yes, they always don't have to make sense from a logical perspective; the ludicrous elements for this kind of mawkish moviemaking are automatically inherent and commonplace. But Nispel never quite establishes his exposition as the campy and carousing carving session it could have been had the flow of the picture worked on that particular level. Instead, TTCM balances its morbid moments with buffed up male/female models in glitzy peril.

Whatever scary obstacles that Nispel's hapless horror festivity wants its observers to buy into is ruined by the sheer obviousness of rollicking rednecks looking to tussle the impeccable hair of exceedingly attractive young people. Where's the sorted thrill in chopping up annoying perfect-looking adolescents that should be posing for calendars on a beach as opposed to ducking and dodging the likes of a Jason Voorhees-esque weapon-wielding clone? Been there, done that.

As the film's surviving heroine, Biel makes for typical curvy eye candy. She is the prototypical sacrificial lamb which hack ?em up vehicles love to champion relentlessly: sexy, harried, gutsy, determined, weary, etc. Unfortunately, Biel is one-dimensional as the remaining fish bait that keeps nearly escaping the persistent Leatherface's ominous hook. Basically, Biel's Erin does all the mindless and laughable mannerisms that scream queens before her have mechanically engaged in with perfunctory precision.

Whether trying to beat up on her intimidating pursuer with her harmless hands or running into convenient spots which favor her tormentor's chances of heightening the turmoil factor, Biel doesn't provide any distinction to this silly role that any unknown shapely actress could have accomplished as well. This chop-shock flick certainly has no trouble trying to convey its T&A trickery by occasionally drenching the babe-a-licious Biel in water in an attempt to highlight her fleshy assets through that flimsy tank top she wears so seductively. Titillating? Certainly it is. What about this stunt being needlessly tacky? Bingo, you guessed it!

The supporting cast is pretty much faceless in a frenzied fable that opts to look shiny instead of concentrating on its haunting vibrancy. Bryniarski's Leatherface is decent in his villainous strides but one cannot help wondering how much he pales in comparison to his callous contemporaries such as the charismatic yet deadly Nightmare on Elm Street's Freddy Kreuger or the angst-ridden deplorable antics of Halloween's Michael Myers. A positive note to acknowledge is the emergence of durable character actor R. Lee Ermey (Full Metal Jacket) as the local hillbilly sheriff that figures into the messy mayhem.

The winning advantage to Nispel's highly budgeted version is the movie's exquisite photography courtesy of Daniel C. Pearl's magnetic touch. The vintage feel for the original TTCM had a low-budget quality that was fitting for that film as well. Whereas Nispel has the freedom to manufacture the chills thanks to the sophistication of advanced movie technology, Hooper's filmmaking arsenal lacked this optional enhancement but excels only because of the underlying simplicity of the movie's gritty makeup which is genuinely stark without the coaxed special effects influences.

So you want to yearn for the overkill of random destruction and despair? That's fine--you can't go wrong by reliving the hardcore happenings of Hooper's Watergate-era blood spill that made the very first installment of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre resonate with heavy-handed goose pimply anticipation. As for Nispel's polished but run-of-the-mill hedonistic remake of Chainsaw, this blood-stained offering is about as fun and adventurous as counting roadkill along a dark country pathway.

Frank rates this film: ** stars (out of 4 stars)

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