Critic's Grade: C

Twelve. That's the number of kids it takes to turn "Cheaper By the Dozen" into a madhouse of mischief. And judging from my own personal experience, it's probably a good estimate as to the number of laughs you'll find lying within said madhouse. This chronic misfire of a comedy places us in the home of Tom and Kate Baker (Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt), for whom birth control seemed like a death sentence. Over the course of twenty-plus years, they have conceived and raised twelve children of various ages, ranging from adult to tot. At first, city life couldn't handle a family of their size, and so they packed up and headed for the wide-open outskirts of Chicago, to a house that looks like it couldn't even hold a family half their size. The professions of football coach and aspiring writer don't exactly provide much, but they make do; however, when each of their careers takes off in a new and prosperous direction, the opportunity comes to further their family by moving back to the city and starting anew.

The kids are uncomfortable with the decision (big surprise), and so once in their new home, they are adament about making their parents' lives a nightmare. Such disobedience as is put on display here seems to be the focal point of the film's struggle for comedy, along with Steve Martin's ever-handy way with words and situations, and the presence of Ashton Kutcher as their eldest daughter's egotistical boyfriend. But throughout much of the movie, I kept asking myself why a parent would put up with much of what the Baker children do. Soaking someone's underwear in ground beef? Shooting a sibling in the head with a rather sharp-looking dart? Had I even attempted such feats as a child, I would have been branded, shackled, and sent to the gallows for my behavior. What the Baker children need is a good dose of punishment; unfortunately, "Cheaper By the Dozen" chooses to exact that retribution unjustly upon its audience.

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