Critic's Grade: D

Frank's film tip: ALEXANDER the Not-So-Good!

Since when did Oscar-winning director Oliver Stone decide to turn his ambitiously sprawling biopic about Alexander the Great into a meager spectacle of Alexander the Mediocre? In Stone's laborious 3-hour disjointed dinosaur drama Alexander, the filmmaker wants to pay homage to the historical leader of the Macedonian Empire. The history books tell us that the brash ruler was a fearless conqueror who took no prisoners and as a result claimed victorious territories all over the world--Africa and Asia was in his possession before the tender age of 30. Alexander was an impressive force to be reckoned with and his accomplishments were beyond questioning.

It's clear that Stone's appreciation and reverence for Alexander the Great is purely out of the inspiration and desire he maintains for the combative Macedonian mastermind. Stone's thunderous labor of love for the daring warrior king is grounded in a swords-and-sandal production that's grandiose in its presentation. However, Alexander is a boorish and bloated costume epic that has all the exciting appeal of a prolonged high school social studies lesson during the thankless hazy days of summer.

There's no doubt that Stone hails Alexander the Great as a fascinating military genius who set his sights on capturing the vast world while almost coming so close to realizing his vision. The confrontational filmmaker, who has seen his share of battles during his chaotic times behind and away from the camera lens, wants to intimately invite the audience into the rambunctious universe of human destruction and devastation through the eager eyes of a visionary fighter with an appetite for adventure. This is all well and good but Stone's percolating period piece lacks the three-dimensional depth to be the complete majestic entertainment that encompasses all the passionate platitudes necessary to get this meandering militia melodrama off and running. Although Wolfgang Peterson's Troy wasn't exactly the impeccable staple when representing the historical horse-and-buggy genre it did have more spryness in its heart and soul than the stiff and staid serving of Alexander.

We are introduced to the future talented battlefield baron in the form of youngster Alexander (Jessie Kamm). He's destined to be something special in terms of his potential as the expectations are almost too high to consider. Keeping the boyish Alexander under her constant protective watch is his sorceress mother Olympias (Angelina Jolie). She would like it immensely to have her precious offspring rule Greece someday. The Oedipal connection between little Alexander and the sultry Olympias is slyly implied in some instances. But for the most part, Alexander wants to slither away from his demanding mother's grasps and realize his own taste of greatness. Also on hand in the parenting department is the boy's father King Phillip of Macedonia (Val Kilmer).

Enter young adult Alexander (Colin Farrell). Staunchly confident in his bid to amass world power, the mighty warlord is not just content with overseeing the noble empire of Greece. What Alexander needs to do is pad his rustic resume' with conquests in places such as Persia, India, Asia, Africa--being a dominant figurehead of one nation just doesn't feed the bulldog. The wayward notion of spreading a global monarchy and achieving worldwide influence sounds like a challenging quest to undertake and the determined Alexander seems quite game.

As the film plods onward, Stone attempts to put forth some staggering personal obstacles to rival Alexander's agenda for making the whole world his prosperous playground. As if the focused ruler doesn't have enough on his mind regarding plans to seize and conquer, he is reminded of the inner strife that exists in him concerning other miscellaneous matters. Alexander must cope with his bisexuality as he is being pulled apart emotionally and romantically. Should his romantic whims be reserved for his radiant Batrician wife Roxane (Rosario Dawson) or should he continue to explore the homoerotic urges that he maintains for his lifelong male lover Hephaestion (Jared Leto)? While Alexander is being yanked in all sorts of bewildering directions by outside sources, the worrywart warrior must endure the endless domestic bickering of his conflicting parents King Phillip and Olympias.

Conveniently, the film's "voice of reason" emerges from Alexander's trusted advisor in King of Ancient Egypt's Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins) who also doubles as the narrator of this theatrical misfire. For the most part, Alexander lumbers on and in the process delivers a frenetic session that tries way too hard in bringing this broad and baseless costumed claptrap to its intriguing bruised knees. The pageantry of the movie's effect is certainly invested in the colorful wardrobe designs and furious fight-oriented choreography. Still, the seemingly flashy exhilarating surface cannot compensate for Stone's boringly lavish showcase that sits there in an obvious thud while going through the monotonous motions. Despite having a capable cast to go along with the boisterous production values, Alexander is an overwrought clunker that isn't even viable enough to compete with leftover outtakes from Ridley Scott's gutsy Gladiator.

When given the decent chance, Stone can show all sides of his cinematic sensibilities that conjure up an array of feelings. The inquisitive moviemaker could be provocative, long-winded, and daringly outrageous in his convictions (see JFK, Natural Born Killers, The Doors). Sometimes he's preachy, introspective, compelling, and intuitively opinionated (see Platoon, Born on the 4th of July, Wall Street). Also, Stone occasionally may be bizarre in his stretch for off-kilter creativity that's more of a miss than a hit (see U-Turn). But with Alexander as a current measuring stick, Stone's protrusive project is inexplicably tedious in its uninspired execution. With scatterbrained plotting, suspect writing, bland one-note performances, and aimless direction there's nothing remotely GREAT about this particular Alexander. Overall, the over-indulgent offering is too randomly unsettling in its choppy mode. It's sad to admit but this is Stone's lowest effort as a filmmaking maverick.

Stone wants to promote this magnificently impish battleground Boy Wonder and expect us to embrace the amazement surrounding his legendary aura. Even with the intention of drawing out the string of a few stimulating fight sequences just to provide a kinetic punch, Stone still fails to reveal to the audience the inquiring myth and motivations pertaining to his subject matter. One doesn't come away with any insightful revelations about Alexander the complicated man or the family and associates that helped shape his active existence. Besides his zest for collecting land and his inescapable "interest" for his men (both literally and figuratively), there are some trivial tidbits about Alexander to ponder but nothing involving that would make us understand why Stone would waste three hours profiling an effeminate egomaniac from yesteryear.

Farrell does incorporate some captivating moments as the rakishly blonde feminine-looking fighter with the penchant for mischief. If one can get over Farrell's disruptive Irish brogue and embarrassing bits of dialogue that he utters nonsensically then maybe somebody would dismiss this big-budgeted bonanza for high expensive camp. In showing Farrell's wavy locks fluttering about as he is in the middle of defeating Persian King Darius at Gaugamela or having him contemplate his downfall in a dreamlike state of mind feels rather silly as arbitrary material. Also, in thrusting the competitive comparisons between Alexander and his assassinated father Phillip's achievements, Stone assembles a bunch of filtering atmospheric hooey that's inherently laughable. At times it is difficult to assess the fierceness that Farrell is supposed to convey as his sandy bleached pate is simultaneously distracting and hilarious to boot.

The supporting players are stuck in a series of contrived subplots that linger on without much validity. As with Farrell's characterization, the wavering accents aren't consistent with the ancient Greek lingo. But that's the least of their problems. As the vicious vixen Olympias, Jolie comes off more as a disgruntled Goth cheerleader than she does the cynical mother of a Greek king. As Alexander's desirable boytoy Hephaestion, Leto is forced to blink his loving eyes at Farrell's alter ego and even share in a seductive hug. While Alexander has it carnally bad for his hormonal homeboy Hephaestion, the script curiously decides to stray away from showing them sexually entangled.

Dawson is breathtakingly beautiful as Alexander's feisty spouse Roxane but otherwise is miscast. Other than ushering out an unusual sex scene between Alexander and Roxane, Dawson doesn't have much to contribute besides reminding the moviegoers that her heroic hubby swung both ways in the intimacy department. As for Hopkins's half-baked go-around as the commenting Ptolemy, he stalls in the role as the verbal roadmap to Alexander's indelible psyche. Kilmer (Stone's leading man from the aforementioned The Doors) is the only one who seriously escapes signs of ridicule as Alexander's royal old man.

It's going to be quite the task in having Stone, along with his cockeyed co-writers Christopher Kyle and Laeta Kalogridis, live down this expansively pointless sandal-wearing saga. Whatever swaggering venture Alexander purported to be 300-plus years before Christ's birth, it's official in the millennium year of 2004?we've come to meet and greet Stone's version of the Man among mere men--Alexander the Not-So-Good.

Frank rates this film: ** stars (out of 4 stars)

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