Critic's Grade: D

Frank's film tip: Unfortunately if you SEEK, you shall find John Polson's ridiculously moody kiddie creeper starring an ineffective and indifferent Robert De Niro

Listen, what is the "reel" deal with Robert DeNiro lately? Apparently, he seems to be setting his cinematic sights on arbitrarily faceless goosebump thrillers as his chosen genre-of-the-moment. First, DeNiro gives off an unaffecting whiff as a clinical cloning expert in last year's featherweight frightfest Godsend. Now he's saddled in more chilling mediocrity as a beleaguered mind-mending widowed father in the uninspired creepy kiddie horror show Hide and Seek. The movie's teasing tagline of "come out, come out, wherever you are" sounds hauntingly inviting. Still, one should take the contrary view and remain hidden from this perfunctory peek-a-poo picture.

Director John Polson (Swimfan) and screenwriter Ari Schlossberg conjure up an atmospheric and derivative draft of almost every conceivably borrowed scare tactic from better flicks that range from The Shining to The Bad Seed. Polson wants to desperately hang his horrific hat on the star power of DeNiro's presence and the 10-year old terrorizing tyke Dakota Fanning's (Man on Fire) precocious turn as a troubled youngster with an insane imaginary playmate. However, the DeNiro-Fanning father-daughter connection does nothing remotely startling to ignite this baseless boofest beyond its sketchy proceedings. Although Fanning is occasionally convincing in her spooky little lass role dealing with inner demons, the veteran DeNiro comes off as rather misplaced and indifferent to the otherwise cringe-worthy staid material.

Widower David Callaway (DeNiro) recently lost his suicidal wife (Amy Irving) when she decided to hastily slit her wrists out of some unknown desperation. David, a prominent psychologist in his own right, is left to care for the couple's dark-haired and distant daughter Emily (Fanning). With his wife's tragic death fresh on his mind and Emily's repeated propensity for slipping into a hypnotic haze, David decides that he and his conflicted daughter need a change of scenery. Thus, it's off to the country surroundings in upstate New York where hopefully the carefree setting will heal the emotional and psychological scars of the Callaways.

Evidently the new countrified venue hasn't done wonders for Emily's tainted psyche at all. She still has the tendency to slip into some twisted fantasizing daze and David cannot seem to reach her. In fact, Emily develops "a friend" during her gazing glimpses of hallucinations. The child claims to have a pal named Charlie that suddenly popped out of the blue. David wants to believe in Emily but doesn't know what to think about his bothersome child's so-called playful "buddy". Is this individual real or just a figment of Emily's sordid imagination?

In addition to worrying about Emily's mental state, David must assess the unusual neighboring townsfolk that reside in his new community. To say that these weird residents are suspiciously off-the-wall would be a blatant understatement in the third degree. Maybe Emily's confidante Charlie exists in one of the many strange and seedy personalities that lurk about the local area that exhibit the same kind of bizarre mannerisms? Determined to get to the bottom of Emily's disturbing deep-seeded funk, David must identify the daunting situation consuming his disoriented damsel in distress who suddenly assumes a "dark" demeanor pertaining to her clothing and physical makeup.

Somehow Charlie is a ghoulish force that doesn't always play fair with newly gothic gal Emily. For one thing, he is instrumental in recreating the ugly episode that was responsible for her late mother's demise. And there are lame instances that suggest how the mysterious Charlie may be channeling Emily's confused state of mind by having her eerily dress like her deceased mother for a dinner engagement. Some twitchy scenes do manage to sneak up on you in a Sixth Sense-induced phase but unfortunately there are other silly-minded sequences that come off as foolishly awkward and laughable.

In an effort to give DeNiro's David Callaway a needed diversion (and probably ready-made bait for Emily and Charlie to torment with predictable aplomb), an attractive divorcee named Elizabeth (Elisabeth Shue) arrives on the scene and quickly becomes the object of affection for the harried analyst. But Elizabeth's presence may prove to be very ominous for the distraught duo as Emily and tagalong Charlie aren't prepared to share David's undivided attention (or disturb his dearly departed wife's memory) with this shapely, well-meaning woman.

In many ways, Hide and Seek is like a flamboyant pot-bellied politician--a blustery and intimidating figurehead looking to make exciting promises but ultimately failing to deliver in the long run. The first half of the film is practically sedate in its plodding presentation. And when there's an expectation that gradually builds up to what amounts to be this movie's alleged shocking juicy plot twist, the momentum is ruined because the letdown is so obvious and lackluster. Polson tries to instill this uneven jittery psychodrama with manufactured tension-filled moments designed to make the audience wince at the slightest hint of uneasiness. But the shock factor in Hide and Seek has all the worldly thrills and chills of a defective merry-go-round.

The most unbelievable and unimaginative component to this nonsensical narrative is DeNiro's inexplicable participation as the clueless father who has no idea whatsoever as to how to tame his cockeyed kid. There's nothing original or refreshingly panicky about the cliched notion of having a professional psychologist stumble upon his own self-afflicting turmoil. Not only does DeNiro transparently walk through this unchallenging portrayal but has the nerve to ask the viewers to sympathize with his trivial on-screen predicament. Since there's no reserved feelings for this sad-sack of a moping man, why should anyone bother to identify with his personal crisis when DeNiro phones in a rudimentary performance as if he's casually ordering out for Domino's Pizza? As David Callaway, DeNiro is undeniably stiff and uncharacteristically lifeless.

Fanning fares much better as the lost little girl Emily whose mixed infatuation with a seemingly destructive spirit named Charlie keeps the grossed-out gimmick of this middling movie mildly interesting at best. With the addition of feminine eye candy Shue and Famke Janssen (playing David Callaway's city-bound associate), the set up feels utterly contrived because the audience can immediately telegraph the fate of these cuties once the deranged Charlie gets hold of their soon-to-be expired numbers.

There's not much to say about the horrifying hokum that is the absurd Hide and Seek. Here's hoping that when DeNiro decides to go through the run-of-the-mill motion of appearing in another repetitive flick that he'll consider meeting one more Focker instead of wasting away in an instantly forgettable shocker.

Frank rates this film: * and a half stars (out of 4 stars)

All Reviews by Frank Ochieng
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