Critic's Grade: D

Frank's film tip: Not only should JOHN TUCKER die but he should go as far away as possible and take the clueless giddy gals with him.

There are so many unpleasant elements in the world that will never completely disappear such as taxes, high divorce rates, inflation, Brady Bunch reruns and yes--insipid teen sex romps that pop up like an unexpected zit. Director (and Emmy-winning actress) Betty Thomas oversees the madcap romantic mishaps in the shallow teen laugher John Tucker Must Die. Thomas (Dr. Dolittle) and screenwriter Jeff Lowell have no where to go with this slight farce about a hunky high school heartthrob's deceptive need to juggle three chicks in school while his comeuppance is right around the corner. Idiotic, unimaginative, lazy and tedious to boot, John Tucker Must Die should be more of a wishful command than a simple-minded title to a klutzy comedy about teen tarts getting revenge against a three-timing, junior-league lothario.

Surprisingly, Thomas's pedestrian direction and Lowell's fluffy script doesn't take advantage of what could have been a solid, flippant fable about teenage relationships and how cavalier they can be as a throwaway diversion between the sexes. Instead, the movie never reaches any decent level of smarmy satisfaction to hit home the point about ridiculing transparent bonding amongst insecure gals and the horndog guys that exploit this very same predicament. The feel for the anemic humor in John Tucker Must Die is broad and baseless. Consequently, Thomas has difficulty establishing any flowing rhythms for how her secondary school sasses would handle such a wacky, emotional entanglement. The "girl-power" mantra behind this flaccid romp is meek, pointless and misses every opportunity for something that could have been sharp-tongued in its wallowing wit. If this nitwitted narrative was channeling the cleverly impish Mean Girls then it failed to even work as a cunning copycat.

Popular high school athlete John Tucker (Jesse Metcalfe from ABC-TV's Desperate Housewives) is a lady-killer in every sense of the word. He's irresistible to the girlies that want to be in his "dreamy" presence. Certainly not a fool to squander his good fortune for being a gifted chick-magnet, Tucker decides to date several ladies because--well, he's THE John Tucker and he can do so. However, Tucker's current trio of honeys in the form of head cheerleader Heather (Ashanti), hot-to-trot liberal-leaning Beth (Sophia Bush) and brainiac beauty Carrie (Arielle Kebbel) finally catch on to their beloved boytoy's promiscuous prank in breaking lonely hearts in the corridors. So the scheming threesome have a plan in mind to teach this roving Romeo a lesson to remember.

Enter Kate Spencer (Brittany Snow). She and her mother Lori (Jenny McCarthy) have traveled from place to place looking for some stability once and for all. Kate is pretty but has trouble creating friendships and getting close to people. Inevitably, Kate will soon hook up with the scorned Heather, Carrie and Beth and share in their misery concerning hotshot "himbo" John Tucker. The mission: Kate will be the bait to lure Tucker in until they can destroy his credibility and reputation. Still, Kate finds herself in a serious bind because she too has fallen for Tucker. And so the dilemma is this: will Kate go along with trashing the studmuffin she's affectionate towards? Is it worth ruining her in-crowd status with her curvaceous cohorts to protect her object of affection?


Curiously, the offbeat title John Tucker Must Die contains the raucous sentiments that one would think should have been demonstrated in this silly-minded dud. There's not really anything cynical or suggestive to convey any static that these jilted Jezebels maintain for their misbehaving muscular misfit. If Thomas was intuitive enough to offer something sardonically over-the-top and empowering then John Tucker Must Die could have effectively worked as a scathing satire regarding matriculating crushes and study hall sabotage. Granted that the movie is trying to cater to the demographics of teenieboppers that may probably explain the bland results of a kooky comedy that has all the hearty bite of a dead mosquito. Sadly, this cutesy and cockeyed teen teaser is nothing more than a rip-off reminder of other female-friendly vehicles that awkwardly echoes ditties from the delicious and dastardly Heathers to the sappy and sugary The Perfect Man.

The performances are about as lively as morning roll call at the county morgue. Metcalfe's John Tucker is worthy of the pretty boy prototype to put on display for the hormonal honeybuns to endure. He portrays this cad with mechanical playfulness, though. Although he's as unctuous as he is physically appealing to the admiring lasses, the charisma is strangely missing in his interpretation as a classroom Casanova. As the three furious females seeking revenge, Ashanti, Bush and Kebbel are grating on the nerves and you can see why someone like a John Tucker would use them as a tossed aside napkin. Snow (from the now defunct NBC-TV series American Dreams) is too wishy-washy and steps into the familiar shoes of another saccharine-coated teen icon in the ubiquitous Hilary Duff--the reigning princess of bubble-gum moviemaking. And casting former Playboy pin-up Jenny McCarthy as a mother of an attractive teenage outsider is both inspired and bewildering. In fact, hiring McCarthy as a single Mommy looking for romantic relief may be the only true thing that's legitimately laughable, daring and off-kilter about this derivative "hell hath no fury" fable.

Maybe John Tucker Must Die after all--but could he take along the conspiring handlers that gave him cinematic life for our dreary amusement?

Frank's rates this film: * and a half stars (out of 4 stars)

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