I guess that, given the fact that a movie like "Clockstoppers" is overall aimed at a target audience of people ages 3 and under, that gives me little right to verbally crush every little detail of its ridiculously bad conception. But still, after having been cheated out of almost two hours of my life, I feel a bit compelled to voice my rather strong opinion on just how atrocious and downright bad the film really is.

Sure, the special effects are good... for about the first five minutes. Okay, so I should let go of my cynicism and common sense, and just go along for the ride. But the ride is not fun. The movie is not fun. The entire experience is about the equivalent of sitting through a conversation on Einstein's theory of relativity, which (gasp!) finds itself a seat on this hackneyed roller coaster.

The film stars Jesse Bradford ("Bring It On") as Zach, a goof-off teenager who harbors feelings of angst for his father, a science professor who has more time for his job than for his family. The movie supplies him with everything from a token black character as his best friend, a newly-arrived Spanish exchange student played with a lousy accent who becomes his love interest, and a mother and sister who are little more than discards once the movie decides it doesn't need them anymore.

I'm telling you, these people are a real trip, and the film's actual plot hasn't even gotten started. Not that it's any better or worse; in fact, I'd put the interest level of this film with that of John McTiernan's remake of "Rollerball," and that's being generous, considering what a mess that movie was.

As the story goes, we find out Zach's father has been helping a former student with experiments on a watch that has the ability to transport its wearer into what is called "hypertime," where one's molecular structure moves at a rate faster than that of his/her surroundings. At least the movie does have the good sense to explain that one ages faster while engaged in hypertime, but scientific facts and realistic plot points aren't exactly the film's strong suit.

And just when we thought the movie couldn't get any worse, a new subplot comes into play. A crooked scientist played by Michael Biehn wants the watch for his own dark intentions, and kidnaps Zach's father, leaving it up to Zach and his 24-hours-and-counting girlfriend, Francesca, to thwart a speechless leather-clad Asian bimbo, a black man supplied with two lines of dialogue throughout the entire movie... are you seeing a pattern here? And they say the Ku Klux Klan in "A Time to Kill" were racist.

Director Jonathan Frakes (funny, I've never heard of him, either) does supply the film with a couple of nifty special effects involving our main characters interacting with their surroundings, which seem frozen in time. But you've seen one slow-motion/fast-motion sequence, and you've seen everything the movie has to offer; that, and Francesca constantly uttering "Every guy deserves a second chance." Too bad "Clockstoppers" doesn't even deserve a first chance.

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